So...

... not much ... only that the fairies inside my head are on holiday, which means I am momentarily insane.
I can't spell or even fly around without fear of falling ... my only place to hide is my new sea green room which isn't really mine anyway in the end (the end being the 13th of August)
But today me and Jessica went to look at pretty things in portobello ... wish I could have bought it all - I will live there one day, in a pile of lace.
Listening to Ruby Throat now, drinking wine ... I feel as though I am not really here and someone is inside of me moving me around like a big puppet - but I don't know who they are...
... Pass me some scissors? ornate gold and iory ones if possible ...

***

Too many lights and faded trees,
too many words without thought - wihout belief, without meaning,
but we all make up fairysories to make us feel [better]
too many, too much - and not enough at all.

DIY day

My bedside table asked me to make her look pretty.

Paint is fun

A sparkley morning followed by a painting day.

I now have a green bed, which makes me happy.

I put my picture on the wall.... it's of Ulysses and the Sirens, It's pretty and I was in love with it when I was little - it lives in Ferens Art Gallery in Hull; it's smaller than I remember, but still as beautiful ... I think I may have become obsessed by the sea - I want to live there with weeds in my hair untill I grow a fish tail and talk in bubbles...

Have to sleep : it's 4:13

A Trip to Hull in Pictures : Day three

A Trip to Hull in Pictures : Day two

A Trip to Hull in Pictures: Day one

I want everything green...

My bed.

My covers.

My chest of drawers.

My sewing desk.

My curtains.

My towel.

My world ...

so I feel like I'm living under the sea like those sirens and mermaids in the waterhouse paintings. There's an exhibition of his, I can't remember the dates, but I'll find out and then I'll go.

I spent the most part of my day on the number 38:

Got lost on my way to the tube to get home, went to meet Rich for a lunch and was so late, but did enjoy my aubergine and goats cheese burger when it finally arrived. WE talked about stuff we've missed - it's nice because even if we don't see each oher for months, when we do meet it's as though we saw each other yesterday. We laughed about Hull and some of the people in it. Then he had to go back to work so I took myself around Foyles - I won't buy anything though - not today : today I will be good. After non-book-shopping I go home again sleep for ten minutes because my body is not happy with me that I woke up at 6:30 (which I should do always, but go to bed earlier ... the morning is so pretty - I've no seen it in ages.... I have to sleep with the curtains open in my new green under the sea place) another outfit change and I'm out the door again and on the good old bus - think it was the same one as I felt as though I'd known him all my life. I'm early to meet david who is on his way back from a photoshoot, so I go into WHSmiths (where else) most of the books that are on sale there upset me, but they did have Murakami and lots of pretty note books I want to buy to not write in... just gather under my bed (my green bed) he makes me jump and then we go for coffee. He looks pretty *** Then he has to go ... he will be in Wales, and in a few days I will be in Hull ... but we will see each other on Tuesday.

Back on the 38 ... which should also be green.

I get a new dress it was a pound or something on ebay and I love it to death. I play in it ... then dye my sheets - it has to be done.

... now I'm going to dance around my room listening to pretty music.

The Cave of Wonders and a Sharon Fruit

Today is my meeting with Jessica. I'm going to her house in Notting Hill so she can draw and make etchings of me for her new novel.

... I was waiting at the station and then all of a sudden I fairy with a black umbrella crept around the corner in odd shoes to meet me. One was sparkley. We didn't need the umbrella : we're not afraid of the rain. Walking into her house was like walking into my dream world, and we both had the suspicion that I had in fact been there before. I'm sure at this point that I'm meeting myself from the future. I'm so overwhelmed with the whole atmosphere, her/me/miss protagonist and her pretty little house. There are bits and bobs and cluter of the pretty kind, books books and more books, a beautiful bed with an dead/wild animal-like duvet, a dolls house bath with an array of lacey vintage clothes hanging from is rails - like a jungle of fabric, pictures and writing ... so lovely. wow. So obviously as we get talking we find out just how much we have in common not only with each other but also with the characters in the books...

She reads my tarot, and it says what I thought it would (not at first because I thought it was somehing else but now I know it said what I knew it would)

Her friend comes over and I'm talking like I don't usually when I first meet people. They make me laugh. We manage to pour lots of bottles of wine down our throats and then she draws some, she said she will need me again for more. We talk forever and the time flies - we eat a quiche. I choke on my quiche. Forks? bottles of water wine. Picnic at Hanging Rock? of course. SHARON FRUIT??! tomato plants: A garden in the flat.

You call ... we wish I could drive and steal a car ***

(sharon fruit pic by tidathemonk on flickr)

A Little bit Country

Just enough time to run home looking as though I'd fallen out of a tree, get changed and run back out again to meet Luna at Big Red ... we're going to watch Norton Money at 12bar, so I wore a country dress - I didn't really do it on purpose, but I fit in well when I got there which is not normally how things work out. When there I looked less like I'd fallen from a tree and more like I'd spent the night in a haystack - with giant horses and clockwork cows. I lost my voice in Big Red, think it went down with my beer. Somehow time manages to fly away - we try to chase it and didn't really catch up, but by the time we got there we wern't late: again, the only explination is a time warp type of thing. The band were lovely, they made me feel happy and I wished I'd have had some cowboy boots on so I could dance around for real and not just inside my head... or that annoying thing people do at gigs where they bop heir head up and down a little bit in a very English kind of way not doing either standing still or dancing with any conviction at all. It was past time to go but we stayed a little longer. Back on the bus : back to Davids... I feel funny, but he makes me feel better.

A man and the Moon

I went to meet David today ... we went to La Porchetta and filled ourselves to death with pasta, and sparkley water - no wine for Natanya today. No no no. We left a little note for the staff on a napkin which was cute and funny. The machine didn't work so he ran up the street.

We walked to see the moon who was hiding in a little theatre called Screen on the Green. Slightly confusing but lovely all the same. We are kids in the cinema. Cinemas and art galleries do that - because they are magic, and when you are there with a man and a moon, the magical confusion can only be measured in cup-fulls, lots and lots of cup-fulls *

Waiting at the bus stop I went crazy - but coffee made me feel a ittle better...

Then I was on another planet that was so far away from the moon I forgot where I was. I lost a star and then found twelve in little brown paper packages strewn all over the floor of my subconcious: I got a shovel and now I am going to paste them to my desk so I can stare at them all the time.

Cafe Maria comes to Hackney

At Cafe Maria (Hackney) we enjoyed pasta, wine, TV

and pic taking - we tried to watch Twilight but my

computer didn't feel like it... so we watched Love me if

you Dare instead.

A picture

The five second memory loss when you wake up is unfair.
We went to Amazon cafe, and I looked like death... but I ate all my salad - today I am a good girl. Let's get lost in our jacket potato. You make me laugh. But then I have to go home. You kiss my bye.
You will see me soon you say.
I'll call you I say.
let's go back inside and swim in coffee be ghosts in the TV and fall away where no-one can find us. Take me there ... I dare you.
Love me if you Dare (...is my favourite film)
I want to be a page in a beautiful book ... one of those ones that smell like old painted roses.
I will get on the bus, I wont think all day.
Home : I can't move anything and I see the mess that most people can't see ... I know where to look, I made it after all. I look at prety things online. Pretty things make everything better.
Maria comes over, I'm not ready yet, but she knows me and so told me we had to leave half an hour before we actually had to leave. I try to do that to .... but I can't lie to myself : although I try. We get to the theatre on time and I look as though I'd just fallen out of a tree so Maria buys me coffee, but it's hot and we can't take it inside, and there's not enough milk in the world. Some guy drops/throws a wine glass and I see it in slow motion miss my leg. So, were here to see Dorian Gray and the buzzers are all buzzing which means we have to run up several flights of stairs to the second circle. We walk. Oh My G - vertigo ... the seats are almost just stacked on top of one another and I'm so high and hungover that it takes me fifteen minutes or so to stop feeling as though I'm going to fall forwards over everyone and land on the stage. Crisps. The show was amazing, I didn't think I'd enjoy it, but I really did - it was beautiful, and funny in parts. Outside in the interval I met the lovely Jessica Greenman ... she wants to draw me. (pic on here is one of her etchings) next week - I'm looking forward to throwing leaves around her garden and picking daisies from her hallway. Maybe we knew each other when we were fairies in a previous life.
Let's all write poems in treehouses - then no-one will ever have to be sad again.
After the show me and Maria went to a Greek place to eat salmon and it was yum. The waitress sucked but the food, irish coffee and the laughs she gave us made up for it ten-fold. Origami salmon.
I called you ... you will see me soon.
You will see me in my dreams you say ... I will be waiting.
So we watch The L Word and laugh and fall asleep.
I had a dream about vampires, I wanted to be one, and a pretty made my wish come true ... I think I have been reading New Moon too much :)
I'll go now ... go and wait.
Birds in trees ... on different branches ...

A cold heart will burst if mistrusted first... and a calm heart will break when given a shake - Feist.

The S of S

Did many things, can only remember half :
met Luna, went to bar 55, had some wine.
walked in the rain to The Birthday Masacre show to meet David, had some more wine.
Sent Stephanie a paper flower.
Walked under an unbrella to nowhere at all.
Breathe.
Cab.
Home : a blur.

***

"Listen," ....
"she draws red lines with her crayon, out pours paint... all over the floor and bed. The white duvet looks pretty and her drawing pretier still ... this she thinks, is how it will end." ...
"can you hear that?"
"Don't pay any attention, then she will go away."

Fairytales

My snow white apple was waiting for me on the table, shining red with the light from the window. I blinked and it turned brown. I'm going to eat it anyway.
The wind outside is shouting... to me? : at me... and I find it harder to keep my eyes open today. There are no rule books here - only fairystories. I turn the pages, faster. Golden coaches with bright white horses, princesses, pretty birds and princes who save.
I turn too fast... that's what I always do: Paper cuts.
A dusty drawer : I pull at its golden handle where the magpies hold it, trip over my dreams and fall inside, holding the book to my heart, my lungs, my ribs ... I will never let it go : Cut my skin and burry it inside ...
I find a marker pen, open the back page and re-write my ending...
again.

A photo kind of day

It got me back

... I sewed through my finger.

When you are up the only inevitable thing is coming down

------------------------------------------------------

Standing in the shower:
Waiting to cry is sometimes like waiting to be sick.

***

Today is a strange day when everything said is wrong. I don't mean it. Sometimes I'm distant from everything, even myself so it's hard to have a conversation when I don't know who I am. I think the best idea is to sleep for a week, but that would be giving up - so I will go home and stand staring at my sewing machine until something happens, maybe I will make someting beautiful... or maybe it will explode.

Back in Time

--------------------------------------------------------

There's half a firefly in my head
I sneeze her out :
but her other half is nowhere to be seen.
She can't fly straight :
only in circles
So she gets upset :
but no one knows why...
Everyone else sees her with both sides.

***

Tonight we went to 'Decline and Fall' : went back in time. There were flappers and boys is top hats - the upstairs was a secret... untill the bouncer rolled away, then I got a sneaky peek on my way back from the bathroom. It was lovely... would like to have a party there.
We shared wine and then I went for a walk - there was a crazy dog.
We watched lots of lovely acts in front of a pretty theatre backdrop... Vicky Butterfly was a dream, loved her show and knickers.
Then we walked all the way back to Davids and fell asleep watching AusNTM final.

Wishing loud butterflies would come to drown it out

It's three in the morning and Little Italy in the kitchen is being far too loud. I can't be bothered to say anything... so I'll just put my ipod on and read....
But anyway:
Yesterday I asked the fairy... and she told me to read what I had missed. I just wish it was back to normal. I want to go for a picnic, told her I'd take her there - she can sit in my pocket and crochet while I put jam on the sadwiches, sorry... jelly. Hope she comes back soon - I need to tell her that I have some glue for those petals. I'll write it to her and send it on a paper plane : catch *
Before I left my house I said to Lisa that I wanted to read, but didn't want to start a different book until I got 'New Moon' ... then I went to Davids and he had bought me it :) it was wrapped up all pretty in Purple tissue, and the pages are lined with red - he said it was the only one in the shop - maybe it's magic: yum and kisses. This morning was difficult to get out of bed (I say that as though it's usually (I want to say 'a piece of cake' but I wont)) it was comfy and I wanted to stay there all day - but we got up to go for brunch. Jacket potato and cheeeeeeese, well, what else?? Time passes incredibly, as usual - I honestly think that me + David + Cafe = Time Warp. For sure. Back at his we listen to the music he made for this film which is cool and drink some coffee. Sometimes he picks me up as though I was one of those dolls with a little suction pad on the bottom - the ones you lick and stick to the car window.
It's time to go ... bus ... read ... back home ... more coffee (decaf - awesome) no letters. I get straight on with the wedding dress I'm making for a flutterbydaisy in America ... it's looking lush. And then I make myself a dress to wear tomorrow night, we're going to see a burlesque show. Whilst I was sewing like a crazy Lisa was in the other room with wine... They are happy about winning a Glastenbury competition, and later they all went to the pub. I had some peace, listened to Bat for Lashes, watched QI, ate some cheese on toast, had a day dream or two - wrote them down on pink paper. They came back a while ago ... first I had Lisa sitting next to me getting all emotional - she left and in came Marina in her place next to me getting more emotional still. Its weird being the only sober in a room, funny though. I just wish drunken Italy would give it a rest for tonight:
Shower... ipod.... Book....

Rain ... lots of rain

After 3 hours of sleep I got up : one of those things where you open your eyes a minute before your alarm goes off - spooky.
It was a nice day so I threw on a top and skirt and ran out ...
The waiting room was dull, but I had my book, I hoped they wouldn't take long because I only had 80 pages or so left and the last thing I wanted to do was sit here and stare into the bleakness. But all my wishes were ignored and after I finished the last page (reading as slowly as I could manage) they left me waiting for three hours - with the metal chair carving a groove into my back. I went for a 'walk' around the waiting room but was too aware that everyone was looking at me because there was nothing else to look at, so I sat back down to camouflage myself. There were lots of people walking into a little room and coming out with a white mask on. Strange. Maybe it should have evoked somekind of terror of the unknown : I ignored it and fell into a day dream where I was in the bath at home with vogue. All of a sudden a woman hobbled in (quite fast for a hobble) and started screaming 'I'm suicidal... I need help' oh my. Then someone called my name... my turn and I was in there for all of 2 seconds, as I knew what I wanted but they wouldn't take that into consideration at the counter. Was it worth waiting going on four hours? uf. I brisk walk back, past the builders who were looking at me funny - I thought maybe one of those masks must have gotten attatched to me. I stoped for a Whisper, then the rain started. It was the craziest storm I've ever been caught in .. the drops were huge and made gigantic puddles in seconds - I ran for the cafe with the canopy. Two wet and laughing boys followed me wielding a Henry the hoover. Weird. 'Where's the Henry shop' he asked, which I thought was funny as he of all poeple looked as though he should know exactly where the Henry shop is. The rain got worse and I saw a massive bolt of lightening - I've never seen it so close before, and I startd counting like they do in the films .... I didn't even get to two and the loudest crash and crackle happened what seemed like right over the cafe. Me and the boys froze for a second before a big van flew past drowning us with an ever growing puddle/lake. Awsome. I was far too aware in that moment that I was under a metal thing in the lightening, and was already soaked through, soI tucked my book up my jumper and walked the rest of the way home. I walked at a regular pace... so the rain didn't win.
I had the best shower ... thinking about been out in the rain.
Nap; I needed to dream.
When I woke up it felt like another day and I was completely inspired and happy. I wrote fr a while and then thought about what I'm going to make myself to put in my new room (that I have not yet found, but will soon) it will be sea green, turqoise, ballet pink and cream. Dreamy.

***

It's hard to hear the bird song now you've opened the door of my cage.

Back to the moon to collect my brain, I left it there

Early. Not enough sleep. Bus - Oyster card empty. Change. I manage to read a big chunk of my book untill I get home. Then I do that thing where you just sit... not even thinking. I think it's the lack of sleep, it must be - or the moon. I'm not sad - just weird. I remove myself from the sofa to my room - lay on the bed. Stay there... but then this incredible thing happens where my mind was so empty that something took over and I picked up a pen a made myself a huge list of things that I'd like to do over the next few days, weeks and months. this includes making new party dresses, necklaces and Flutterbydaisy T-Shirts. I'm also going to make a 'petal pack', mailing list, and when I move out I'm going to start some art, naked lady art. This is what has to happen to my mind before I can do anything productive - it has to get empty first... I have to go to my own little dream world. I don't know why I'm so spaced out.
Time passes so fast that it's time to go and meet david again ... so I put myself back on the bus and read some more of my book. It's a really nice day - but I'm wearing a jumper and trousers, I'm not sure why... it wasn't even the first thing I put on - I actually thought about it ... there's something wrong with me today. At Jacksons Lane Theatre: It's funny because there's no one else here but us. David has to lock up so I follow up the winding church steps to the dance studio at the top that has amazing windows. I want to dance around but my body is not in the mood, so I take some photos instead. We take our little risotto home to eat it with chicken. On the way we walk under suicide bridge, I used to live near here ages ago, the little walkway by the side of the bridge is lovely and reminds me of Little Switzerland near The Humber Bridge. I tell him that when you drown it is supposed to be euforic - I don't know where I heard that, but I think it must be true - you will have no weight there. This all happened because of the bridge - it has a strange energy. We were going to watch 'Love me if you dare' but we were both so spaced out and tired that we just sat like carrots on the sofa watching Miami Ink and Project Runway, 'till we fell asleep like hamsters.

At Cafe Maria

Hangover or no hangover ... I'm going to Marias for an L Word and food day. I had 5 coffees before I went round which made me insane. When I got there the big pile of tires outside her flat confused me; the smell reminded me of when I went to buy a bike with my Mum when I was about 10 ... I went back there in my head: We got the same ones, a big and little version. Maria has a million stairs - that's what it felt like anyway. Juice. I then read three magazines - well, I read the pictures anywho, then cafe Maria served up some awesome fried egg on cheese on toast with veggie sausages - yum.
We had a break from the inside and went to sit on the roof terrace - this is such a lovely flat, they are moving out soon to make room for their babies so I might sneek in behind them - now that would be lovely ... we watched the planes, there were so many. I wondered who was on them and were they were going, happy that I wasn't on one of them and felt a tiny prick of fear at the thought of being so high with no feathery wings attatched to my side. People either hate taking off or landing - I hate the bit in the middle.
You can never watch the L Word too many times, especially the eppisodes with Rosanna Arquette in. hehe we laughed loads as if we'd watched it there and then for the first time, maybe it was the alcohol left in us from the day before.
Then we got ready (well .... put more make-up on, thinking that our random girly day was hilarious) to go to stay beautiful... it was a strange night, I think we got there to late. We had a couple of drinks, sat in a corner pretending we were in one of those 80's films; we were the geeks waiting for someone to ask us to dance. So went back to hers to eat toast, drink a vodka and orange and watch some more eppisodes.
At 3:30am I jumped on the bus to davids - the sky was purple ... I thought about more people in planes and decided that if I was to ever get in one again I would go at night, because at least that way you can look at pretty lights as you go.

Flights of the Imagination

What do I wear? I think a blue striped frilly shirt and knitted smock with frilly net petticoats are in order... blue hair ribbons, black wedges and red sunglasses... yes please. I'm going to meet david at BFI on the Southbank. My Mum calls me again - i think she calls me when I'm on a bus on purpose... she is psychic you know. She was telling me that my little borther is going to his prom : he is 11, I don't get it but I'm sure it will be cute :) ... I'm going to make him his waistcoat - my frst Flutterbydaisy boywear.
I have too much energy and am bouncing around the tube on my way to waterloo. When i get there I have no idea where I am or where I'm going, so I park myself in between an ice-cream van and a fountain... whilst waiting for David I contemplate buying a 99 but by the time I've thought it through and found my change the van drives away.
we wait in the foyer because we are early and have a coffee - in a HUGE mug, I drank it in about three seconds flat (it's yumminess made up for the loss of the 99) I love how this foyer is decorated ... with dark velvety, victorianesque, floral sofas and matching carpets... that's what I'd like my livingroom to look like.
The films were lovely. They were old 1920's silent films about the moon ... and there was a man playing the piano along with them. I felt like I was in a different time. I loved thinking about all the people back then 'till now who have watched it before me and that made me smile. I loved the one with the little ballerina looking girl that was falling from the moon.
After the film, which calmed down my hiperactivness slightly we went to Pizza Express to share a four cheese pizza that we guessed only had two cheeses on. Then of course we had to have a tiramisu. Yum.