Tuesday, 23 June 2009


They were digging up the road this morning outside my window... I managed though to sleep through it, I awoke instead to the sound of a happy Lisa telling me that there was an English breakfast on the table waiting to be eaten, She had obviously caught my insomnia, which I had managed to escape for once here last night.
There were four plateswaiting - cooling on the kitchen table, plus an over-tidy bookshelf she had obviously gotten her bored-awake hands on earlier this morning, I was surprised I didn't wake up to an empty bedroom and then later found her in gym clothes running up and down the path outside ... or up and down our walls.
Most of us are in a cleaning mood, apart from me - I'm in a 'tidying' mood... making things like DVDs and books in the right order. That's what happens to me when the house is too clean; I organise things that were already organised.
Me and Marina go to buy rabbit food and other stuff - an excuse to get out of the house and go for a walk in the sun ... shine * it's too nice to go back home, so we step back in time; there's this cute cafe on Amhurst Road owned by a family. There are blue and white check plastic table cloths, American style condiment containers and behind the counter is an array of forgotten wonders - the till itself is ancient with giant push buttons that I can imagine say 'chung' when you push them. We have a 'milky coffee' and a 'regular coffee' and a sausage sandwich to share 'sausage sandwich please Mum!' he shouts, I suddenly feel as though we're in their living room.
I would love to do a 'local cafe tour' they are the most interesting places I've been recently... filled with interesting characters... I could come with some paper, a pencil and drink copious amounts of coffee ... 'milky coffee'.
We go to buy some printer ink from a lilttle white haired lady with congealed false eyelashes and lipstick on her teeth, she will make sure they have the cartridge in for tomorrow.
Back home: I fix my chests of drawers and throw away the rubbish. We've not been here that long... it's amazing how much stuff I have managed to collect - and the dust monsters!
I'm so happy I just found my Starsailor CD! this call for a full blast coffee and writing session: Inspired. completely.
... How strange it is to find letters and diaries from the past; untrustworthy words, promises and lies... over exaggerated messages of undying love from both sides. Only half were lies - the others were trully believed in at the time.
- Listening to the Buffy soundtrack now - indeed - in an emotional rollercoaster through my entire past (I found my first 'day to day today' earlier, Lisa said she wanted to keep it.)
Don't you think it's strange that you can listen to a CD now that used to make you cry as a teenager and now makes you smile? I told Marina that if I had the chance to go back in time I'd go back to that time to tell myself 'it's really not that bad'.
*missing him*
And so we sit around the table in our un-naturally clean kitchen drinking some wine I just went to get with Marina... we text our landlord to tell him of our moving out situation. He is coming over.
We're listening to 'Bat for Lashes' in the meantime. Lisa is MSNing and we are talking: subdued.
There are many people now I'm missing in all sort of ways... wishing at least a few of them were here with me now, talking rubbish around this table I bought a quarter of, which I will leave here when I go.
- It's all sorted :)
How my world manages to change so fast still astounds me.


Your face across the room.
I don't miss it, I just don't miss it.
The screen that took you over now haunts our space. Always there -
untill it's here in the flesh.
My mind now wonders to another time - another place, face and I'm lost.
Even she couldn't stop me from falling: away: with the words that brought tears...
of emotion, love and grace,
I'm gone.
Not even she could save me - she was another.
And now I think...
and I miss those arms, those nights and mornings of pearls and beads...
I hold your hands with love as they wrap around my neck:
but you have already taken my breath away.
Could this be it?
I'll hold my breath some more, alone now... I smile...
How you stole a piece of me...
I'm gone
No need to save me.

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